When I was in college, I told a friend that I was elected one of The Top Ten Freshman at my University and to which she responded, "Funny, you don't look smart."
Trust me, at that point, I was an insecure 18 year old and had not yet developed the cohones, self-esteem and bravado to respond to such insults. Had it been here and now, I would responded appropriately to put her in her place.
Notwithstanding, ever since that day, my girlish looks have set me up for many more similar insulting comments to looking so "young" and dumb, I guess.
Yesterday, I was reminded of it again when rolling my three children around a Marshall's department store. I was greeted with very judgmental looks from people who assumed I must be an out of control young mother having children she can't take care of because they were driving me crazy and I looked frazzled. And I can count on my fingers and toes the number of eye rolls, head shaking and tsk tsking that were hurled my way. Sad, but I know at this point I do not really know what is going on in their heads and I should be happy to look so young. I am certain that many other 36 year olds wish they would be so lucky to have girlish looks. Okay. Stressful enough, but I do NOT shop often with those three so I do not have to deal with that too often.
Roll back to this summer, I am walking up to the building where I set up a temporary office for myself and my interns to work out of for a client project. (ordinarily, I work from home, but this particular project required me to have bigger professional space). One weekend, I am dressed super casual and walking up to the building and a burly man dressed in suspenders, slacks and a dress shirt is standing by the building door.
I had my key fob in my pocket that I knew I would need to enter during the weekend. I see a sign on the doors instructing clients of an upstairs bankruptcy clinic to call a number to get buzzed in. The guy sees me coming and smiles to greet me and opens the door. I smile politely in return and try to maneuver past him to gain entry into the building. Apparently, he is dismayed that I did not acknowledge him more and he stands firmly in my way to try to block me from entering. Finally, a little confused and a bit peeved, I ask him to pardon me. He says nothing.
"Um, I have an office in this building." I tell the rude olf who resembles a well fed Colonel Sanders.
"YOU!?" he exclaims, clearly amazed, shocked and in disbelief that someone so casually dressed, young looking and quite female and unassuming looking would have the ability to have an office in that building.
"Yes," I replied flatly. "If you don't want to let me in, you are free to go back in and I will let myself in." I pulled out my fob and finally the ignoramus moved aside.
Boy! The Nerve!
At some point later, I am going to the bathroom and I see the same fool coming back from the men's room into our shared office suite. He proudly introduces himself to me and exclaims he is a lawyer.
"Hrmph!" I think in my head and then without the same air of self-importance I politely let him know that I am one too.
He looks quite shocked again! He is calmer now though and I, being the accommodating persons I can sometimes be engage him in small talk. During our chat, he learns about my accomplishments, the connections I have and quickly realizes that there are many synergies that coexist between our practices. I could well be a source of referrals for him.
Imagine! If he went with what his gut told him I was based on superficial outward appearances and obviously prejudiced and preconceived notions, he wouldn't be in the position to potentially get some new business.
Of course, that is where the relationship ended as I had no interest or need to further engage him or dare refer family, friends and colleagues to such a close minded person.
I've learned in life and work that is indeed better that people have lower expectations of me because it makes it that much easier to surmount these first impressions and dazzle them, but boy does taking such a backseat position require reservation and patience.
Thank God I have three rambunctious little ones and a very hectic life that is training me well. My older years are calming me for dealing with such buttholes in an intelligent way, but boy do I get tested and tested often!
Trust me, at that point, I was an insecure 18 year old and had not yet developed the cohones, self-esteem and bravado to respond to such insults. Had it been here and now, I would responded appropriately to put her in her place.
Notwithstanding, ever since that day, my girlish looks have set me up for many more similar insulting comments to looking so "young" and dumb, I guess.
Yesterday, I was reminded of it again when rolling my three children around a Marshall's department store. I was greeted with very judgmental looks from people who assumed I must be an out of control young mother having children she can't take care of because they were driving me crazy and I looked frazzled. And I can count on my fingers and toes the number of eye rolls, head shaking and tsk tsking that were hurled my way. Sad, but I know at this point I do not really know what is going on in their heads and I should be happy to look so young. I am certain that many other 36 year olds wish they would be so lucky to have girlish looks. Okay. Stressful enough, but I do NOT shop often with those three so I do not have to deal with that too often.
Roll back to this summer, I am walking up to the building where I set up a temporary office for myself and my interns to work out of for a client project. (ordinarily, I work from home, but this particular project required me to have bigger professional space). One weekend, I am dressed super casual and walking up to the building and a burly man dressed in suspenders, slacks and a dress shirt is standing by the building door.
I had my key fob in my pocket that I knew I would need to enter during the weekend. I see a sign on the doors instructing clients of an upstairs bankruptcy clinic to call a number to get buzzed in. The guy sees me coming and smiles to greet me and opens the door. I smile politely in return and try to maneuver past him to gain entry into the building. Apparently, he is dismayed that I did not acknowledge him more and he stands firmly in my way to try to block me from entering. Finally, a little confused and a bit peeved, I ask him to pardon me. He says nothing.
"Um, I have an office in this building." I tell the rude olf who resembles a well fed Colonel Sanders.
"YOU!?" he exclaims, clearly amazed, shocked and in disbelief that someone so casually dressed, young looking and quite female and unassuming looking would have the ability to have an office in that building.
"Yes," I replied flatly. "If you don't want to let me in, you are free to go back in and I will let myself in." I pulled out my fob and finally the ignoramus moved aside.
Boy! The Nerve!
At some point later, I am going to the bathroom and I see the same fool coming back from the men's room into our shared office suite. He proudly introduces himself to me and exclaims he is a lawyer.
"Hrmph!" I think in my head and then without the same air of self-importance I politely let him know that I am one too.
He looks quite shocked again! He is calmer now though and I, being the accommodating persons I can sometimes be engage him in small talk. During our chat, he learns about my accomplishments, the connections I have and quickly realizes that there are many synergies that coexist between our practices. I could well be a source of referrals for him.
Imagine! If he went with what his gut told him I was based on superficial outward appearances and obviously prejudiced and preconceived notions, he wouldn't be in the position to potentially get some new business.
Of course, that is where the relationship ended as I had no interest or need to further engage him or dare refer family, friends and colleagues to such a close minded person.
I've learned in life and work that is indeed better that people have lower expectations of me because it makes it that much easier to surmount these first impressions and dazzle them, but boy does taking such a backseat position require reservation and patience.
Thank God I have three rambunctious little ones and a very hectic life that is training me well. My older years are calming me for dealing with such buttholes in an intelligent way, but boy do I get tested and tested often!
And check this out I'm not the Only ONE!
5 comments:
Hi JJ
I cracked up when I read this. Shame on the Fat Man. I hope that you use this to your advantage in negotiations. Underestimating you would be your opponent's first big mistake :)
I shall be back to see what happens next.
Best wishes
Lawandshoes (aka @Gabfran on Twitter)
I've had that "Funny, you don't look smart" crap happen to me, too. Fortunately, the person who said it was on the other end of the phone so I couldn't throttle him.
What does "smart" look like? A pimple-faced person wearing cheap polyester?
Thanks for empathizing guys. Tiffany, I swear, right?
Great blog. I can certainly relate to the racial, gender and professional "profiling" that goes on. I've been on the receiving end quite a bit!
I remember my LAST year of college someone was campaigning the streets and handed me a flyer and said "When you get out of HIGH SCHOOL you can vote for me!"
I was not flattered at all... but I look back and smile!!!
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